Good evening, everyone. My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as "Who?" "Hu" is actually my mother's maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.
But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight.
但是玩笑归玩笑，我想让大家放心我今晚的确是受到邀请来的。（这里是隐指 Salah 夫妇闯入白宫欢迎晚宴的新闻）
I grew up in China. Who wouldn't?
As my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood. When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I have to work at a rice paddy, right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. And that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.
My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally he would tried to cheer me up with jokes. But he doesn't do it right. When I was seven, one day he said to me, "Hi, son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?" So, five minutes later, I said, "Why?" He said, "Because I said so!"
我爸爸是个脾气很怪的人，但偶尔他也想用笑话来逗我玩儿。可是他又做不好。我七岁的时候，有一天他问我，“嘿，儿子，你说为什么豆腐比社会主义计划经 济要好？” （风马牛不相及） 我想了五分钟， 然后问他“为什么呢？”，他说“因为我说好就是好！”（笑点在于：豆腐，计划经济以及极端的父权。豆腐和经济放在一起本来就没有可比性，就好像这种“我说了算”的父权也根本不可理喻，让人又好气又好笑）
I came to the United States when I was 24, to study at Rice University in Texas. That wasn't a joke, until now.
And I was driving that a used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. And one of them said, "If you don't speak English, go home!" And I didn't notice it for two years.
And like many other immigrants, we wanted our son to become the president of this country. And we try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English in the public. Which is really a tough to do, because many times I had to say to him in public, "Hi, listen, if you don't speak English, go home!"
And he was said to me, "Hi, Dad, Why do I have to learn two languages?" I said, "Son, once you become the president of the Unite States, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!"
When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the Unite States, because in China I can't do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.
And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take those American history lessons, where they ask questions like: Who's Benjamin Franklin? We were like, "Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?"
What's the second Amendment? We were like, "Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?"
What is Roe vs Wade? We were like, "Ahh& , two ways of coming to the Unite States?"
“Roe vs. Wade 是什么？”“呃！两种来美国的途径？”（Roe vs.Wade 是美最高法院关于堕胎的经典案例。他在这里则是说那些偷渡到美国的人，要不就是通过row a boat（划船，和人名 Roe 同音）,要不就是靠游到河对岸（wade 是跋涉的意思））
Later on, I read so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt.
后来我读了很多的美国历史，以至于我都开始充满了白人罪恶感。（white guilt 是指白人因为奴役黑人的历史而产生的负罪感。）
And in America, they say that all menare created equal, but after birth, it kind of depends on their parents' income for early education and healthcare.
I read in the Men's Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days. You see, I don't have to exercise because I have health insurance.
I live in Massachusetts now, where we had universal healthcare then we elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed messages! called "Kill Bill" I think there was a movie about him.
我现在住在麻省，我们有全面的医疗保险。然后我们选了 Scott Brown 当州长。哦，有歧义。我想有一部电影是关于他的，那就是《杀死比尔》（Kill Bill）。（bill 在英文里有议案的意思，这里讽刺这名州长极力反对 Obama 的医保改革 方案。）
I'm honored to eh.. meet vice president Joe Biden here tonight. em, I actually read autobiography of you, and today I see you. I think the book is much better. They should have cast Brad Pitt, you know, or even Angelina Jolie.
我很荣幸今晚能见到副总统 Joe Biden。事实上，我曾经读过你的自传。今天见到你了，我觉得书（比本人）要好的多（然后镜头就给了副总统，副总统笑的很开心），他们应该请布拉德·皮特来演，或者是安吉丽娜·茱莉。
So, I, to be honest, was really honored to be here tonight, and I have prepared for months eh, for tonight show, and I showed the White House my jokes about President Obama, and that is why he decided not to come. And he decide to talk about immigration reforms. Take that Stephen Colbert!
And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize. he accepted it. You can't be more badass than that. Well, actually, thinking, the only way you can more badass than that, is if you take Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.
We have many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom I consider as my peers. Because I used to write for the campus newspaper. I think journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only on a newspaper can you see just like, "I was born in the year of the horse, and that's why I'm a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer)." My point exactly.
And tonight is my first time on C-SPAN, which is a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC. If I can't still fall asleep after watching C-SPAN, there are C-SPAN2 and C-SPAN3. Thank you very much!
今晚是我第一次出现在 C-span 频道，通常当我无法忍受PBS和QVC的鼓吹与煽动时我就会看这个频道（PBS 的节目以主观著称，QVC 则是购物频道）。如果我看了C-span还是睡不着，那还有C-span2套和3套（C-span频道是国会辩论转播频道）。非常感谢！
So, I became a US citizen in 2008, eh, which I am really happy about. oh, Thank you very much! eh. America is number one! That's true! cause we won the World Series every year!
After becoming a US citizen, and I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden. You are welcome. You had me at "Guess we can". That was their slogan.
成为美国公民之后，我立刻就登记了大选，并投给了奥巴马和拜登。（他回头看着拜登，对拜登说）不用谢。你们的口号“猜想我们可以”征服了我。这是他们的口号。（此处故意将“Yes We Can”混淆成了“Guess We Can”。）
So, after getting Obama-Biden elected, I felt this power trip. and I started to think maybe I should run for president myself.
Well, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit. Because I had always been a morose and pessimistic guy. I feel that life is a kind of like pee into the snow in a dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but it's really hard to tell.
But now we have a president who is half black half white. That just gives me a lot of hope, because I am half not black half not white. Two negatives make a positive.
You may be saying, hi, what would be your campaign slogan? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade. Oh, you too? ok. So, I understand that American people are suffering. So, my campaign slogan will be, "Who cares?" (Hu Cares)
你或许会问：“嘿，那你的竞选口号是什么？”你看，过去的 90 年代里我度过了10年。什么，你也是？好吧。所以我很理解美国人所经历的痛苦。所以，我的竞选口号将会是“Hu Cares”（此处又是Who-Hu的谐音，Hu Cares：“胡关心你”Who Cares：“谁在乎你”。）
If elected, I will make same sex marriage not only legal, but required!
That will give me the youth vote. You see I'm married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like, "Wow! 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!"
And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the American workforce. So, two people will have to do the work of one, just like the president and the vice president, or the Olson twins.
And despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die of natural causes. So if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. You seem to like that one. But you won't be covered by health insurance, you know. because of pre-existing conditions.
And I have a quick solution for global warming. I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius. It was 100 degrees, now it's 40! You are very welcome!
And I'm great with foreign policy because I am from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.
我也很擅长外交政策，因为我来自中国。我从我家后院就看得到俄罗斯！（这里也隐指 Sarah Palin 曾经说的“我从我家门廊就看得到俄罗斯”）。
I believe that, you know, unilateralism is too expensive, and open dialog is too slow. So if elected, I will go with text messaging. I'll text our allies just to say "hi", and text our enemies when they are driving. "OMG you are building a nuclear weapon? but you're doing it wrong, LOL!"
我认为，单边主义代价太高，公开对话又效率太低。如果我当选，我会选择“发短信”。我会发给我的盟友，仅仅打着招呼。我会在敌人开车的时侯给他们发短信。“天呐！听说你在造核武器？但是你们的做法是不对的！哈哈哈哈。OMG 和 LOL 都是短信流行用语, OMG 是 Oh My God, LOL 是 Laugh Out Loud）。
I just want to thank Radio-TV Correspondents for have me here tonight, And this is the first time I wish my son knew what I was doing. Thank you so much and have a very good night. Thank guy